Entrenched

Posted by Leona Bergstrom
The third stage of caregiving has been called “entrenched.” This is when a person is consistently involved in providing care for a loved one. Involvement is almost daily, if not constant. Usually, I’ve found that this is when a caregiver’s entire schedule is structured around the needs of his/her loved one. I’ve also found that this is when caregivers really begin exhibiting some of their own symptoms of fatigue, stress and burnout.

What does a caregiver need to do during this stage? First of all one must assess the appropriateness of the care environment. I’m seeing this with my own aunt as she has become increasingly weak and unable to navigate in her own apartment safely. My cousin has met with local service providers to develop a plan. While accessing services may cost extra dollars, it is relieving some of the pressure and stress on him! My aunt’s family can save their energy for enjoying visits that are pleasant and non-confrontational.

A second thing an entrenched caregiver needs to do is assess his/her own health and well-being. Too often the family caregiver begins to experience serious health issues – some which become fatal. Emotional and relational health can also suffer, so it’s important to take inventory of how things are going in a marriage, in a family or on the job.

And last, the caregiver needs to acknowledge and begin to process the losses and grieve them appropriately. We can never underestimate the grief and sadness that dwells deep in our hearts as we see our loved one decline in health or mental abilities. A friend of mine just lost her mother to Alzheimer’s disease and expressed her surprise that grief had hit her so hard when she thought had been saying good-bye for so long. A caregiver support group is a great place to share such struggles and emotions.
(Photo by zampano!!!, shared via Flickr)

Use it, or Lose it!

Posted by Leona Bergstrom (this is NOT a rerun)

CREATIVITY: THE MARK OF WISDOM

I’ve spent nearly three decades proclaiming my belief that there is something absolutely wonderful about aging. Deep down in my soul I’m convinced God’s creative work in our lives comes to its most magnificent climax somewhere near the end of the journey. I was reminded of that this week as I meandered through the outdoor galleries of a summer arts festival.

One of the artists had placed himself in front of his easel and canvas smack dab in the middle of the walkway. Beside him was his well-worn wooden box of tightly squeezed partial tubes of acrylic paint, some of still oozing drops of magenta and periwinkle and lemon. On his canvas were streaks of color that were just beginning to depict a cloud covered sky at sunset. It had potential, but no real form.

The facts that the painting was in process and that the artist blocked the passage of the crowd suddenly didn’t matter as I realized that I was looking at a Master. His work was breathtaking. So was his long white beard. He was dubbed the Old Painter of the Pacific Northwest. I don’t know if he had painted for years or if it was a later-in-life hobby, but his work had a depth and maturity that comes from two things: skill and experience. He obviously did not just know how to paint a sunset, he knew how to experience one.

I am coming to understand that wisdom is the synthesis of what we know and what we experience. In our younger years we knew a lot. We were well educated, well read and highly skilled. And then life kept happening and our story filled with experiences--some dreadfully sad and others delightfully joyful. The canvas of our lives filled up with swaths of colors and textures as our lives became God’s masterpiece. We began to find wisdom.

I recently attended a public lecture by Dr. Gene Cohen. He is a psychiatrist and a gerontologist, and among his many positions of public service has been as acting director of the National Institute on Aging. He is best known for his research on the aging brain and his findings about creativity in later life (The Creative Age, 2000). Cohen maintains that most of us have not even begun to utilize our brain’s potential and that that later life is about having the inner comfort and courage to try something new. Research shows that acquiring a new skill actually “lights up both the right and the left brain” (Cohen) and we have a new capacity to evaluate, reevaluate, create and re-create. In other words, we have lots more brain capacity and learning a new skill actually increases the potential of the brain. Creative activity really gets it going!

Charles Schultz said it another way, “Life is like a ten-speed bike. Most of us have gears we never use.”

What a great challenge for Christians in the second half of life! We can learn new things, explore new areas of ministry and be creative! We can develop relationships with people of all ages. We can become wise.

The writers of the Proverbs sought wisdom and concluded that it was only truly achieved through knowing God and experiencing life. “For whoever finds me (wisdom) finds life and receives favor from the Lord.” (Prov. 8:35, NIV)

The list of “Late Bloomers” is long and impressive. In fact, much of the world’s great artwork, music, literature and drama has been created by those age 50+.

What new thing will you learn in this season of life? What masterpieces will you create? How will all that you have learned and all that you have experienced come together in new, creative expressions of wisdom?

PS: I’m taking this SO seriously, I’ve just enrolled in Graduate School! Stay tuned.
(Photo by cobalt123, shared via Flickr)

Never too old...

Posted by Terry McNichols

Here is a story about a 96-year-old man in Taiwan who just received his master's degree in philosophy. And a short quote from the story:

Chao Mu-he, better known to his classmates at Nanhua University in southern Taiwan as "Grandpa Chao," said he began graduate school after being told he was too old to continue as a volunteer at a local hospital. "I was bored after I left the hospital," Chao said Thursday. "I don't play mahjong or have other hobbies. I felt I had to do something with my life."

Are you bored? Looking for a new direction? How about going back to school? How about applying for a senior tuition waiver? Here is a site that lists resources on a state-by-state basis, however the Washington State listing is very incomplete. As a matter of personal interest, I checked out the University of Washington and Shoreline Community College to see what they each had to offer for seniors. Both offer tuition waivers for seniors, 60 or over, to attend up to two classes per quarter, as auditors. There are small application fees ($5 in these cases) and some classes have other facilities fees, but what a bargain. I'm sure that community colleges and universities in other areas must offer the same waivers.

Western Washington University, in Bellingham, offers the Academy for Lifelong Learning (no age restriction) and has a branch in Seattle at North Seattle Community College for those 55 and older. These classes have fees (around $25-50) and offer many interesting opportunities.

Hmm. Looks like I, too, might have "to do something with my life!"
(Photo by Wesley Fryer, shared via Flickr)

Caregiving - Beginning Stages

Posted by Leona Bergstrom

Beginning Stages
These stages sure do play themselves out in real life! This week two of my cousins are making some tough choices about care for their respective mothers. One of my aunts needs skilled nursing care following a devastating stroke. The other aunt is requiring more assistance as she tries to live independently in her apartment.

Both of my cousins are benefiting from thinking ahead and researching the choices for “when the day comes.” While the decisions they are making are tough ones, they can rest easier knowing that they’ve studied the options. The real difficulty comes in who makes the decisions.

It is always optimal if our loved one is a part of the decision making team. Usually we are afraid to ask our parents what they want or what choice sounds the best because we have so many fears. We are afraid that our parent will think that we think he/she is dying. Or, that we think they can’t take care of themselves anymore – or any number of reasons that, while they may be true, seem to be off the radar for discussion. But in reality, no one really likes for others to make life decisions FOR us. We all want to have a say in what is happening, no matter how dire it may seem.

The conversation is sometimes tricky. My friend David Solie has done some great work in this area. We’ve recommended his book before, but let’s do it again: How to Say It to Seniors, by David Solie, Prentice Hall Press. Or read his blog on parent care at www.dsolie.com

For information on resources in a community, contact your local Area Agency on Aging or Elder Care Locater at www.eldercare.gov or call 800.677.1116
(Photo by maja-1x, shared via Flickr)

Facebook revisited

Posted by Terry McNichols

It is too soon to rerun this post on the joys of using Facebook, Twitter, and other social networking sites. But I was tempted to rerun it anyway, only 3 months after its first run. That is because Facebook is rapidly taking over as the means we are all using to communicate. I now have Facebook open at the start of the day and keep track of a growing number of friends throughout the day, checking it when I sit down to check my email. I love getting little snapshots of what is going on in the lives of my adult kids (and thus my grandkids), my nieces and nephews and friends from many parts of the country and world. We have reconnected with friends now living in New Zealand, as an example, and reestablished connections with some college friends we had long since lost. I am finding that Facebook is now the first place I go to upload pictures from a recent fun event or weekend.

So, instead of a rerun, I'm linking to a very good article on "How-to-Facebook" which contains some very interesting facts about who is using it as well. Here are a couple of statistics from that post:

* Facebook reports having more than 200 million active users, more than half of whom visit the site at least once a day.

* The fastest-growing group of Facebook users is people 35 years old and older

* The average Facebook user has 120 "friends" on the site.

* More than 30 million users update their status at least once a day

So, a word: if you aren't using Facebook, then you missed out on my great video of a recent false alarm in the Houston airport, not to mention all the other important doings of your friends and relatives. Check it out!

Grandparents as "relief pitchers...."

Posted by Terry McNichols

Once again, I would like to point you to an article on Grandparents.com. This article by Barbara Graham on the 7 Laws of Grandparenting is excellent and so very true to my own experiences! Check it out. Here's an example of one of the 7 rules:

Accept your role. If you’re the mother of the new father, you may not have the same access to your grandchild as the maternal grandmother, at least in the beginning. In most families, new mothers are the primary caretakers of babies and they tend to lean on their mothers for support. This is not a problem — unless you think it is. Your grandchild will love you too. Anyhow, all grandparents — whether on the maternal or paternal side — are at risk of being shut out if they fail to observe any of these commandments. Try to think of yourself as a relief pitcher in a baseball game: You're on the bench until your adult children call you up — and then you must do as they say if you want to stay in the game. (We've already covered this, but I think it's key.)

I love the idea of being the "relief pitcher in a baseball game!" I have chosen not to do too much regularly-scheduled "day care" for just this reason. I don't want to be the starting pitcher -- I've already put in my time in that regard. But I love being the back up, getting to spend fun times with my individual grandkids and being looked on as a "treat." Do read the rules and let us know if you agree or disagree.

Old Jeans

Posted by Leona Bergstrom

This week Richard and I celebrate our 37th anniversary. To say I am blessed to have spent my life with a man like him would be an understatement. My life is rich, full, fun, crazy, romantic, meaningful, purposeful — and comfortable --with him.

I realized that even more the other day when a friend of mine visited. She has been married for four months after having been widowed for two years. She married a man who lost his wife at about the same time as she lost her husband. They are a gorgeous couple and are incredibly in love, somewhat giddy, and struggling to figure out what it means to be newlyweds when you are in your 60’s. Unbeknownst to us they sat behind us at a concert a couple of weeks ago. She told me later that he had leaned over to her and whispered in her ear while pointing to Richard and me and said, “Old jeans.”

My first thought was are we that baggy and saggy looking? But she said, no, that wasn’t it. Old jeans means comfortable, favorite, being yourself, being real.

Life is good.
(Photo by gurms, shared via Flickr)

The other grandma

Posted by Terry McNichols

I linked to this article in Monday's blog post, but wanted to be sure to call it to your attention in case you missed it. When this post goes to "press," I will be spending the day in Texas with one of my granddaughter's "other Ahmas" and I thought this story expressed it so well. I am committed to seeing my out-of-town granddaughter every 3 or 4 months, and this year it has been too long. We are trying to get our Skype and videocam to work at the same time that Z is interested in talking, but a face-to-face visit is still needed. It has been 7-1/2 months since I have seen her and when some time unexpectedly freed up, I grabbed an expensive airline ticket and headed south. We grandmothers share the common love of a child and can enjoy that child together. Do you have issues with the other grandmothers in your child's life?

We welcome guest posts and if appropriate, we will use your post in our Wednesday slot. This can be anonymous if you choose and might be shortened or edited as we see fit.

Stuff

Posted by Terry McNichols

I recently told a friend that I am giving away some pieces of furniture to my daughter, who is moving out of town. My friend was shocked, and we have had an email exchange that has brought me to this post. What follows is a slightly edited version of our exchange:

My email: You seemed surprised that I want to get rid of stuff. I guess that's the difference in being in the same house for 30 plus years and moving around several times. I have needed to downsize and downsize and I don't feel good if I'm not in the process of downsizing. So this is the next step..... Here's my first post re stuff and more has been said. I think as long as you have a big house you don't have to deal with the accumulation, but if you ever start to move, you start thinking about what you have and what you really do need to have to live.

Her response: I was surprised about all the furniture you are giving away. Each year I go through clothes and small items and decide what hasn't been used in a year could be used by someone else and off it goes. Also the Christmas box - each year I move things out. That does feel good. I'm not ready to get rid of other things yet since we do have gatherings and need chairs, dishes, etc. I think about my mother and what will happen to all her "stuff" since I have no room nor does my sister for more, nor do we want more. I do wonder about some of the things that have been special throughout the years and know that some day, not now, I will need to deal with it. I still love the tradition of bringing certain things when our early adult kids come home, assuming it will evoke fond memories of our years together. However, the thoughts you included on your blog have been on my mind from time to time. Some day, maybe all my bras will be out for public display too.

And from me: Some of my willingness to get rid of stuff also comes from the fact that my kids are all married and have kids, and they have pretty much gotten their own version of stuff and don't very often want things passed down to them. My kids each have dishes that are unique to them, and it isn't necessarily the china of our past. We had a storage unit for several years, saving things we thought our kids would want, including furniture items, and they have already taken what they want. One son lives in Texas and it gets expensive to ship things that he might want.

So with my latest small house, I find it isn't fun to try to stage the big dinners any more. It's easier to go to our kids' houses where their kids have beds and their own toys. So I see myself in a completely different life phase and can't see why I should keep enough Christmas dishes for 16! That's really not going to happen in my house any more. So I'm keeping 4 place settings and the rest have got to go.

It is painful, however, at every step, when we get rid of things. My husband sold two Corvairs that he had rebuilt and dearly loved. We sold our cute little Boler trailer. Got rid of tools, Christmas tree, dishware, books, on and on it goes. But we've done it in many phases, so it doesn't seem so painful. And this little house feels crowded, so I'm on the rampage again.
And I do get jealous of people who keep their big houses and have a place for kids and grandkids to return to. But if we'd done that, we'd still be in our first big house, our kids would all be dispersed, and we'd be stuck in the rut we were in, with none of the exciting things we've managed to make happen in the last few years. So no regrets! Just poignant jealousy at times.

Addendum: So, yes, I am sending my daughter off in their moving van with my oak china closet, oak buffet, and our large lovely sofa, part of a 3-piece set. I see the opportunity to pass on a few of my favorite things when there is a truck ready to take them. And she wants these items! So I am also getting rid of most of the things that were stored in those pieces of furniture. If I were my own therapist, I'd worry about my state of mind, but believe me, I'm happy! I would love to say that my generosity was a result of hearing the sermon yesterday and wanting to live more simply. Yes, there is that, but this time it is purely selfish. My house will feel much less cluttered, and for me, that's a very good feeling. My daughter, who appreciates old oak furniture as much as I do, will put it to good use, and I will happily visit my past furniture in its new surroundings!
(Photo by 1fave, shared via Flickr)

Pipeline Explosion anniversary

Posted by Leona Bergstrom

This weeks marks the 10th anniversary of the pipeline explosion in Bellingham. Three young people lost their lives in that fiery disaster. It was a horrible and devastating event.

The explosion is forever burned into my own memory and life. On June 10 I was headed home after a long and tiring day of work. I decided to treat myself to a beautiful convertible drive home rather than go my usual route, so I headed east on Iowa Street toward Whatcom Falls Park and Bayview Cemetery. It was sunny and the top was down! I was stopped a red light when before me a huge fire ball burst from the forest and blasted its way across my horizon. Before I could take a breath the fireball roared across the bridge and all along the creek to my right. It was not hard to see that the damage was immediate and devastating. I knew lives would be lost. My fear was that this incendiary ball was headed toward downtown Bellingham.

I pulled over, put the convertible top up because I didn’t know what was going to rain down on me, and headed immediately back to the hospital. Since I was on the management staff I knew that I needed to report to the disaster response team. Surely there would be multiple injuries and probable deaths. I was assigned to the switchboard where I began taking multiple calls from worried parents wondering if their children had been taken to the ER. I was also a liaison to the ER taking messages to families and hospital staff there. It was then that I encountered the family of one of the young boys who was seriously injured. I shall never forget the sight of a dad following the burned body of his 10-year-old son to the ambulance to be transported to a burn center in Seattle. The loss, fear and devastation was beyond description.

Two little boys lost their battle and died the next day. Another teenager was overcome by the fumes and flames as he fished on the once calm creek. Three lives were lost. It was a sad, sad day.

I recall that memory with continued sadness and residual horror. My prayers continue to be with the families and an entire community that suffered such loss. I am grateful for the work that has been done in the past decade to demand stricter regulations for gas pipelines and improve safety.

May the young who lost their lives rest in peace, and may their families find comfort on this day of remembrance.
(Photo of Whatcom Creek by edgeport, shared via Flickr)